第31章 飘 (1)

　　Gone with the Wind

　　故事开始于美国南北关系非常紧张的1861 年。

　　原来任性的思嘉随着战事的吃紧经历着人生的转折。

　　苦难的生活磨炼着思嘉，但也使她变得冷酷无情，不

　　择手段。当她明白她的真爱就在她身边时，为时已晚。

　　瑞德已经决定弃家出走，永远地离开她。而此刻，对

　　于思嘉来说，生活中的一切光亮都消失了。她只有回

　　到塔拉庄园这一条出路。她太累了，再也承受不了这

　　些压力了。

　　[ 美] 玛格丽特·米切尔（ Margaret Mitchell）

　　She sat down，the harsh gas light falling on her white

　　bewildered face. She looked into the eyes she knew so well — and

　　knew so little — listened to his quiet voice saying words which

　　at first meant nothing. This was the first time he had ever talked

　　to her in this manner，as one human being to another，talked as

　　other people talked，without flippancy，mockery or riddles.

　　“Did it ever occur to you that I loved you as much as a man

　　can love a woman? Loved you for years before I finally got you? During

　　the war I’d go away and try to forget you，but I couldn’t and I

　　always had to come back. After the war I risked arrest，just to come

　　back and find you. I cared so much I believe I would have killed Frank

　　Kennedy if he hadn’t died when he did. I loved you but I couldn’t

　　let you know it. You’re so brutal to those who love you，Scarlett.

　　You take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip.”

　　Out of it all only the fact that he loved her meant anything.

　　At the faint echo of passion in his voice，pleasure and excitement

　　crept back into her. She sat，hardly breathing，listening，waiting.

　　“I knew you didn’t love me when 1 married you. I knew

　　about Ashley，you see. But，fool that I was，I thought I could

　　make you care. Laugh，if you like，but I wanted to take care of

　　you，to pet you，to give you everything you wanted. I wanted to

　　marry you and protect you and give you a free rein in anything that

　　would make you happy. — just as I did Bonnie. You’d had such

　　a struggle，Scarlett. No one knew better than I what you’d gone

　　through and I wanted you to stop fighting and let me fight for you.

　　I wanted you to play，like a child — for you were a child，a brave，

　　frightened，bull-headed child. I think you are still a child. No one

　　but a child could be so headstrong and so insensitive.”His voice

　　was calm and tired but there was something in the quality of it

　　that raised a ghost of memory in Scarlett.

　　She had heard a voice like this once before and at some

　　other crisis of her life. Where had it been? The voice of a man

　　facing himself and his world without feeling，without flinching，

　　without hope.

　　Why — why — it had been Ashley in the wintry，windswept

　　orchard at Tara，talking of life and shadow shows with a tired

　　calmness that had more finality in its timbre than any desperate

　　bitterness could have revealed. Even as Ashley’s voice then had

　　turned her cold with dread of things he could not understand，so

　　now Rhett’s voice made her heart sink. His voice，his manner，

　　more than the content of his words，disturbed her，made her

　　realize that her pleasurable excitement of a few moments ago

　　had been untimely. Something was wrong，badly wrong.

　　What it was she did not know but she listened desperately，

　　her eyes on his brown face，hoping to hear words that would

　　dissipate her fears.

　　“It was so obvious that we were meant for each other. So

　　obvious that I was the only man of your acquaintance who could

　　love you after knowing you as you really are — hard and greedy

　　and unscrupulous，like me. I loved you and I took the chance. I

　　thought Ashley would fade out of your mind. But，”he shrugged，

　　“I tried everything I knew and nothing worked. And I loved

　　you so，Scarlett. If you had only let me，I could have loved you

　　as gently and as tenderly as ever a man loved a woman. But I

　　couldn’t let you know，for I knew you’d think me weak and

　　try to use my love against me. And always — always there was

　　Ashley. It drove me crazy. I couldn’t sit across the table from you

　　every night，knowing you wished Ashley was sitting there in

　　my place. And I couldn’t hold you in my arms at night and know

　　that — well，it doesn’t matter now. I wonder，now，why it hurt.

　　That’s what drove me to Belle.There is a certain swinish comfort

　　in being with a woman who loves you utterly and respects you

　　for being a fine gentleman — even if she is an illiterate whore. It

　　soothed my vanity. You’ve never been very soothing，my dear.”

　　“Oh，Rhett...”she began，miserable at the very mention of

　　Belle’s name，but he waved her to silence and went on.

　　“And then，that night when I carried you upstairs — I thought — I

　　hoped — I hoped so much I was afraid to face you the next morning，

　　for fear I’d been mistaken and you didn’t love me. I was so afraid

　　you’d laugh at me I went off and got drunk. And when I came

　　back，I was shaking in my boots and if you had come even halfway

　　to meet me，had given me some sign，I think I’d have kissed your

　　feet. But you didn’t.”

　　“Oh，but Rhett，I did want you then but you were so nasty!

　　I did want you! I think — yes，that must have been when I first

　　knew I cared about you. Ashley — I never was happy about Ashley

　　after that，but you were so nasty that I —”

　　“Oh，well，”he said.“It seems we’ve been at cross purposes，

　　doesn’t it? But it doesn’t matter now. I’m only telling you，so you

　　won’t ever wonder about it all. When you were sick and it was all

　　my fault，I stood outside your door，hoping you’d call for me，but