IX -- THAT THE WORST PUNS ARE THE BEST

Ifbyworstbeonlymeantthemostfar-fetchedandstartling,weagreetoit.Apunisnotboundbythelawswhichlimitnicerwit.Itisapistolletoffattheear;notafeathertotickletheintellect.Itisananticwhichdoesnotstanduponmanners,butesboundingintothepresence,anddoesnotshowthelessicforbeingdraggedinsometimesbytheheadandshoulders.Whatthoughitlimpalittle,orprovedefectiveinoneleg——allthe[p258]better.Apunmayeasilybetoocuriousandartificial.Whohasnotatonetimeorotherbeenatapartyofprofessors(himselfperhapsanoldoffenderinthatline),where,afterringingaroundofthemostingeniousconceits,everymancontributinghisshot,andsometherethemostexpertshootersoftheday;aftermakingapoorwordrunthegauntlettillitisreadytodrop;afterhuntingandwindingitthroughallthepossibleambagesofsimilarsounds;aftersqueezing,andhauling,andtuggingatit,tilltheverymilkofitwillnotyieldadropfurther——suddenlysomeobscure,unthought-offellowinaer,whowasneverprenticetothetrade,whomthepanyforverypitypassedover,aswedobyaknownpoormanwhenamoney-subscriptionisgoinground,noonecallinguponhimforhisquota——hasallatonceeoutwithsomethingsowhimsical,yetsopertinent;sobrazeninitspretensions,yetsoimpossibletobedenied;soexquisitelygood,andsodeplorablybadatthesametime,——thatithasprovedaRobinHoodsshot;——anythingulteriortothatisdespairedof;andthepartybreaksup,unanimouslyvotingittobetheveryworst(thatis,best)punoftheevening.Thisspeciesofwitisthebetterfornotbeingperfectinallitsparts.Whatitgainsinpleteness,itlosesinnaturalness.Themoreexactlyitsatisfiesthecritical,thelessholdithasuponsomeotherfaculties.Thepunswhicharemostentertainingarethosewhichwillleastbearananalysis.Ofthiskindisthefollowing,recorded,withasortofstigma,inoneofSwiftsMiscellanies.

AnOxfordscholar,meetingaporterwhowascarryingaharethroughthestreets,accostshimwiththisextraordinaryquestion:"Prithee,friend,isthatthyownhare,orawig?"

Thereisnoexcusingthis,andnoresistingit.Amanmightblurtensidesofpaperinattemptingadefenceofitagainstacriticwhoshouldbelaughter-proof.Thequibbleinitselfisnotconsiderable.Itisonlyanewturngiven,byalittlefalsepronunciation,toaverymon,thoughnotverycourteousinquiry.Putbyonegentlemantoanotheratadinner-party,itwouldhavebeenvapid;tothemistressofthehouse,itwouldhaveshownmuchlesswitthanrudeness.Wemusttakeinthetotalityoftime,place,andperson;thepertlookoftheinquiringscholar,thedespondinglooksofthepuzzledporter;theonestoppingatleisure,theotherhurryingonwithhisburthen;theinnocentthoughratherabrupttendencyofthefirstmemberofthequestion,withtheutterandinextricableirrelevancyofthesecond;theplace——apublicstreet,notfavourabletofrivolousinvestigations;theaffrontivequalityoftheprimitiveinquiry(themonquestion)invidiouslytransferredtothederivative(thenewturngiventoit)intheimpliedsatire;namely,thatfewofthattribeareexpected[p259]toeatofthegoodthingswhichtheycarry,theybeinginmostcountriesconsideredratherasthetemporarytrusteesthanownersofsuchdainties,whichthefellowwasbeginningtounderstand;butthenthewigagainesin,andhecanmakenothingofit:allputtogetherconstituteapicture:Hogarthcouldhavemadeitintelligibleoncanvass.

Yetnineoutoftencriticswillpronouncethisaverybadpun,becauseofthedefectivenessintheconcludingmember,whichisitsverybeauty,andconstitutesthesurprise.ThesamepersonsshallcryupforadmirablethecoldquibblefromVirgilaboutthebrokenCremona;*becauseitismadeoutinallitspartsandleavesnothingtotheimagination.Weventuretocallitcold;becauseofthousandswhohaveadmiredit,itwouldhedifficulttofindonewhohasheartilychuckledatit.Asappealingtothejudgmentmerely(settingtherisiblefacultyaside,)wemustpronounceitamonumentofcuriousfelicity.Butassomestoriesaresaidtobetoogoodtobetrue,itmaywithequaltruthbeassertedofthisbi-verbalallusion,thatitistoogoodtobenatural.Onecannothelpsuspectingthattheincidentwasinventedtofittheline.Itwouldhavebeenbetterhaditbeenlessperfect.LikesomeVirgilianhemistichs,ithassufferedbyfillingup.ThenimiumVicinawasenoughinconscience;theCremonae,afterwardsloadsit.Itisinfactadoublepun;andwehavealwaysobservedthatasuperfoetationinthissortofwitisdangerous.Whenamanhassaidagoodthing,itisseldompolitictofollowitup.Wedonotcaretobecheatedasecondtime;or,perhaps,themindofman(withreverencebeitspoken)isnotcapaciousenoughtolodgetwopunsatatime.Theimpression,tobeforcible,mustbesimultaneousandundivided.