XIII. -- THAT YOU MUST LOVE ME, AND LOVE MY DOG

"Goodsir,ormadam,asitmaybe——wemostwillinglyembracetheofferofyourfriendship.Welonghaveknownyourexcellentqualities.Wehavewishedtohaveyounearertous;toholdyouwithintheveryinnermostfoldofourheart.Wecanhavenoreservetowardsapersonofyouropenandnoblenature.Thefranknessofyourhumoursuitsusexactly.Wehavebeenlonglookingforsuchafriend.Quick——letusdisburthenourtroublesintoeachothersbosom——letusmakeoursinglejoysshinebyreduplication——Butyap,yap,yap!——whatisthisconfoundedcur?hehasfastenedhistooth,whichisnoneofthebluntest,justinthefleshypartofmyleg."

"Itismydog,sir.Youmustlovehimformysake.Here,Test——Test——Test!"

"Buthehasbittenme."

"Ay,thatheisapttodo,tillyouarebetteracquaintedwithhim.Ihavehadhimthreeyears.Heneverbitesme."

Yap,yap,yap!——"Heisatitagain."

"Oh,sir,youmustnotkickhim.Hedoesnotliketohekicked.Iexpectmydogtobetreatedwithalltherespectduetomyself"[p267]

"Butdoyoualwaystakehimoutwithyou,whenyougoafriendship-hunting?

"Invariably.`Tisthesweetest,prettiest,best-conditionedanimal.Icallhimmytest——thetouchstonebywhichItryafriend.Noonecanproperlybesaidtoloveme,whodoesnotlovehim."

"Excuseus,dearsir——ormadamaforesaid——ifuponfurtherconsiderationweareobligedtodeclinetheotherwiseinvaluableofferofyourfriendship.Wedonotlikedogs."

"Mightywell,sir——youknowtheconditions——youmayhaveworseoffers.Comealong,Test."

Theabovedialogueisnotsoimaginary,butthat,intheintercourseoflife,wehavehadfrequentoccasionsofbreakingoffanagreeableintimacybyreasonofthesecanineappendages.Theydonotalwayseintheshapeofdogs;theysometimeswearthemoreplausibleandhumancharacterofkinsfolk,nearacquaintances,myfriendsfriend,hispartner,hiswife,orhischildren.Wecouldneveryetformafriendship——nottospeakofmoredelicatecorrespondences——howevermuchtoourtaste,withouttheinterventionofsomethirdanomaly,someimpertinentclogaffixedtotherelation——theunderstooddogintheproverb.Thegoodthingsoflifearenottobehadsingly,butetouswithamixture;likeaschoolboysholiday,withataskaffixedtothetailofit.Whatadelightfulpanionis****ifhedidnotalwaysbringhistallcousinwithhim!Heseemstogrowwithhim;likesomeofthosedoublebirths,whichweremembertohavereadofwithsuchwonderanddelightintheold"AthenianOracle,"whereSwiftmencedauthorbywritingPindaricOdes(whatabeginningforhim!)uponSirWilliamTemple.Thereisthepictureofthebrother,withthelittlebrotherpeepingoutathisshoulder;aspeciesoffraternity,whichwehavenonameofkincloseenoughtoprehend.When****es,pokinginhisheadandshouldersintoyourroom,asiftofeelhisentry,youthink,surelyyouhavenowgothimtoyourself——whatathreehourschatweshallhave!-but,everinthehaunchofhim,andbeforehisdiffidentbodyiswelldisclosedinyourapartment,appearsthehauntingshadowofthecousin,over-peeringhismodestkinsman,andsuretoover-laytheexpectedgoodtalkwithhisinsufferableprocerityofstature,anduncorrespondingdwarfishnessofobservation.Misfortunesseldomealone.`Tishardwhenablessingesacpanied.CannotwelikeSempronia,withoutsittingdowntochesswithhereternalbrother?orknowSulpicia,withoutknowingalltheroundofhercard-playingrelations?myfriendsbrethrenofnecessitybeminealso?mustwebehandinglovewithDickSelbytheparson,orJackSelbythecalicoprinter,becauseW.S.,whois[p268]neither,butaripewitandacritic,hasthemisfortunetoclaimamonparentagewiththem?Lethimlaydownhisbrothers;and`tisoddsbutwewillcasthiminapairofours(wehaveasuperflux)tobalancetheconcession.LetF.H.laydownhisgarrulousuncle;andHonoriusdismisshisvapidwife,andsuperfluousestablishmentofsixboys——thingsbetweenboyandmanhood——tooripeforplay,toorawforconversation——thateimpudentlystaringtheirfathersoldfriendoutofcountenance;willneitheraid,norletalone,theconference:thatwemayoncemoremeetuponequalterms,aswewerewonttodointhedisengagedstateofbachelorhood.

Itiswellifyourfriend,ormistress,becontentwiththesecanicularprobations.Fewyoungladiesbutinthissensekeepadog.ButwhenRutiliahoundsatyouhertigeraunt;orRuspinaexpectsyoutocherishandfondlehervipersister,whomshehaspreposterouslytakenintoherbosom,totrystingingconclusionsuponyourconstancy;theymustnotplainifthehouseberatherthinofsuitors.Scyllamusthavebrokenoffmanyexcellentmatchesinhertime,ifsheinsisteduponall,thatlovedher,lovingherdogsalso.

AnexcellentstorytothismoralistoldofMerry,ofDellaCruscanmemory.Intenderyouth,helovedandcourtedamodestappanagetotheOpera,intruthadancer,whohadwonhimbytheartlesscontrastbetweenhermannersandsituation.Sheseemedtohimanativeviolet,thathadbeentransplantedbysomerudeaccidentintothatexoticandartificialhotbed.Nor,intruthwasshelessgenuineandsincerethansheappearedtohim.Hewooedandwonthisflower.Onlyforappearancesake,andforduehonourtothebridesrelations,shecravedthatshemighthavetheattendanceofherfriendsandkindredattheapproachingsolemnity.Therequestwastooamiablenottobeconceded;andinthissolicitudeforconciliatingthegoodwillofmererelationshefoundapresageofhersuperiorattentionstohimself,whenthegoldenshaftshouldhave"killedtheflockofallaffectionselseThemorningcame;andattheStarandGarter,Richmond——theplaceappointedforthebreakfasting——acpaniedwithoneEnglishfriend,heimpatientlyawaitedwhatreinforcementsthebrideshouldbringtogracetheceremony.Arichmustershehadmade.Theycameinsixcoaches——thewholecorpsduballet——French,Italian,menandwomen.MonsieurdeB.,thefamouspirouetteroftheday,ledhisfairspouse,butcraggy,fromthebanksoftheSeine.ThePrimaDonnahadsentherexcuse.ButthefirstandsecondBuffawerethere;andSignorSc——,SignoraCh——,andMadameV——,withacountlesscavalcadebesideofchorusers,figurantes,atthesightofwhomMerryafterward[p269]declared,that"thenforthefirsttimeitstruckhimseriously,thathewasabouttomarry——adancer."Buttherewasnohelpforit.Besides,itwasherday;thesewere,infact,herfriendsandkinsfolk.Theassemblage,thoughwhimsical,wasallverynatural.Butwhenthebride——handingoutofthelastcoachastillmoreextraordinaryfigurethantherest——presentedtohimasherfather——thegentlemanthatwastogiveheraway——nolessapersonthanSignorDelpinihimself——withasortofpride,asmuchastosay,SeewhatIhavebroughttodoushonour!——thethoughtofsoextraordinaryapaternityquiteovercamehim;andslippingawayundersomepretencefromthebrideandhermotleyadherents,poorMerrytookhorsefromthebackyardtothenearestsea-coast,fromwhich,shippinghimselftoAmerica,heshortlyafterconsoledhimselfwithamorecongenialmatchinthepersonofMissBrunton;relievedfromhisintendedclownfather,andabevyofpaintedBuffasforbridesmaids.