XVI.THAT A SULKY TEMPER IS A MISFORTUNE

Wegrantthatitis,andaveryseriousone——toamansfriends,andtoallthathavetodowithhim;butwhethertheconditionofthemanhimselfissomuchtobedeplored,mayadmitofaquestion.Wecanspeakalittletoit,beingourselfbutlatelyrecovered——wewhisperofitinconfidence,reader——outofalonganddesperatefitofthesullens.Wasthecureablessing?Theconvictionwhichwroughtit,cametooclearlytoleaveascrupleofthefancifulinjuries——fortheyweremerefancies——whichhadprovokedthehumour.Butthehumouritselfwastooself-pleasing,whileitlasted——weknowhowbarewelayourselfintheconfession——tobeabandonedallatoncewiththegroundsofit.Westillbroodoverwrongswhichweknowtohavebeenimaginary;andforouroldacquaintance,[p273]N——,whomwefindtohavebeenatruerfriendthanwetookhimfor,wesubstitutesomephantom——aCaiusoraTitius——aslikehimaswedaretoformit,towreakouryetunsatisfiedresentmentson.Itismortifyingtofallatoncefromthepinnacleofneglect;toforegotheideaofhavingbeenill-usedandcontumaciouslytreatedbyanoldfriend.Thefirstthingtoaggrandiseamaninhisownconceit,istoconceiveofhimselfasneglected.Therelethimfixifhecan.Toundeceivehimistodeprivehimofthemostticklingmorselwithintherangeofself-placency.Noflatterycanenearit.Happyishewhosuspectshisfriendofaninjustice;butsupremelyblest,whothinksallhisfriendsinaconspiracytodepressandundervaluehim.Thereisapleasure(wesingnottotheprofane)farbeyondthereachofallthattheworldcountsjoy——atenduringsatisfactioninthedepths,wherethesuperficialseekitnot,ofdiscontent.Werewetoreciteonehalfofthismystery,whichwewereletintobyourlatedissatisfaction,alltheworldwouldbeinlovewithdisrespect;weshouldwearaslightforabracelet,andneglectsandcontumacieswouldbetheonlymatterforcourtship.UnliketothatmysteriousbookintheApocalypse,thestudyofthismysteryisunpalatableonlyinthemencement.Thefirststingofasuspicionisgrievous;butwait——outofthatwound,whichtofleshandbloodseemedsodifficult,thereisbalmandhoneytobeextracted.Yourfriendpassedyouonsuchorsuchaday——havinginhispanyonethatyouconceivedworsethanambiguouslydisposedtowardsyou,passedyouinthestreetwithoutnotice.Tobesureheissomethingshortsighted;anditwasinyourpowertohaveaccostedhim.Butfactsandsaneinferencesaretriflestoatrueadeptinthescienceofdissatisfaction.Hemusthaveseenyou;andS——,whowaswithhim,musthavebeenthecauseofthecontempt.Itgallsyou,andwellitmay.Buthavepatience.Gohome,andmaketheworstofitandyouareamademanfromthistime.Shutyourselfup,and——rejecting,asanenemytoyourpeace,everywhisperingsuggestionthatbutinsinuatestheremaybeamistake——reflectseriouslyuponthemanylesserinstanceswhichyouhadbeguntoperceiveinproofofyourfriendsdisaffectiontowardsyou.Noneofthemsinglywasmuchtothepurpose,buttheaggregateweightispositive;andyouhavethislastaffronttoclenchthem.Thusfartheprocessisanythingbutagreeable.Butnowtoyourreliefesintheparativefaculty.Youconjureupallthekindfeelingsyouhavehadforyourfriend;whatyouhavebeentohim,andwhatyouwouldhavebeentohim,ifhewouldhavesufferedyou;howyoudefendedhiminthisorthatplace;andhisgoodname——hisliteraryreputation,andsoforth,wasalwaysdearertoyouthanyourown!Yourheart[p274]spiteofitself,yearnstowardshim.Youcouldweeptearsofbloodbutforarestrainingpride.Howsayyou?doyounotyetbegintoapprehendafort?someallayofsweetnessinthebitterwaters?Stopnothere,norpenuriouslycheatyourselfofyourreversions.Youareonvantageground.Enlargeyourspeculations,andtakeintherestofyourfriends,asasparkkindlesmoresparks.Wasthereoneamongthem,whohasnottoyouprovedhollow,false,slipperyaswater?Begintothinkthattherelationitselfisinconsistentwithmortality.Thattheveryideaoffriendship,withitsponentparts,ashonour,fidelity,steadiness,existsbutinyoursinglebosom.Imageyourselftoyourself,astheonlypossiblefriendinaworldincapableofthatmunion.Nowthegloomthickens.Thelittlestarofself-lovetwinkles,thatistoencourageyouthroughdeepergloomsthanthis.Youarenotyetatthehalfpointofyourelevation.Youarenotyet,believeme,halfsulkyenough.Advertingtotheworldingeneral,(asthesecirclesinthemindwillspreadtoinfinity)reflectwithwhatstrangeinjusticeyouhavebeentreatedinquarterswhere,(settinggratitudeandtheexpectationoffriendlyreturnsasideaschimeras,)youpretendednoclaimbeyondjustice,thenakeddueofallmen.Thinktheveryideaofrightandfitfledfromtheearth,oryourbreastthesolitaryreceptacleofit,tillyouhaveswelledyourselfintoatleastonehemisphere:theotherbeingthevastArabiaStonyofyourfriendsandtheworldaforesaid.Togrowbiggereverymomentinyourownconceit,andtheworldtolessen:todeifyyourselfattheexpenseofyourspecies;tojudgetheworld——thisistheacmeandsupremepointofyourmystery——thesethetrue——PLEASURESOFSULKINESS.Weprofessnomoreofthisgrandsecretthanwhatourselfexperimentedononerainyafternooninthelastweek,sulkinginourstudy.Wehadproceededtothepenultimatepoint,atwhichthetrueadeptseldomstops,wheretheconsiderationofbenefitforgotisabouttomergeinthemeditationofgeneralinjustice——whenaknockatthedoorwasfollowedbytheentranceoftheveryfriend,whosenotseeingofusinthemorning,(forwewillnowconfessthecaseourown),anaccidentaloversight,hadgivenrisetosomuchagreeablegeneralization!Tomortifyusstillmore,andtakedownthewholeflatteringsuperstructurewhichpridehadpileduponneglect,hebadbroughtinhishandtheidenticalS——,inwhosefavourwehadsuspectedhimofthecontumacy.Asseverationswereneedless,wherethefrankmannerofthembothwasconvictiveoftheinjuriousnatureofthesuspicion.Wefanciedthattheyperceivedourembarrassment;butweretooproud,orsomethingelse,toconfesstothesecretofit.WehadbeenbuttoolatelyintheconditionofthenoblepatientinArgos:[p275]

Quisecredebatmirosaudiretragoedos,

Invacuolaetussessorplausorquetheatro——

andcouldhaveexclaimedwithequalreasonagainstthefriendlyhandsthatcuredus

Polmeoccidistis,amici,

Nonservastis,ait;cuisicextortavoluptas,

Etdemptuspervimmentisgratissimuserror.