A CHAPTER ON EARS. I have no ear -

Mistakemenot,reader,——norimaginethatIambynaturedestituteofthoseexteriortwinappendages,hangingornaments,and(architecturallyspeaking)handsomevolutestothehumancapital.Bettermymotherhadneverborneme——Iam,Ithink,ratherdelicatelythancopiouslyprovidedwiththoseconduits;andIfeelnodispositiontoenvythemuleforhisplenty,orthemoleforherexactness,inthoseingeniouslabyrinthineinlets——thoseindispensableside-intelligencers.

NeitherhaveIincurred,ordoneanythingtoincur,withDefoe,thathideousdisfigurement,whichconstrainedhimtodrawuponassurance——tofeel"quiteunabashed,"andateaseuponthatarticle.Iwasnever,Ithankmystars,inthepillory;nor,ifIreadthemaright,isitwithinthepassofmydestiny,thatIevershouldbe.

WhenthereforeIsaythatIhavenoear,youwillunderstandmetomean——formusic——Tosaythatthisheartnevermeltedattheconcourseofsweetsounds,wouldbeafoulself-libel——"Waterpartedfromthesea"neverfailstomoveitstrangely.Sodoes"InInfancy."Buttheywereusedtobesungatherharpsichord(theold-fashionedinstrumentinvogueinthosedays)byagentle-woman——thegentlest,sure,thatevermeritedtheappellation——thesweetest——whyshouldIhesitatetonameMrs.S——,oncethebloomingFannyWeatheraloftheTemplewhohadpowertothrillthesoulofElia,smallimpashewas,eveninhislongcoats;andtomakehimglow,tremble,andblushwithapassion,thatnotfaintlyindicatedtheday-springofthatabsorbingsentiment,whichwasafterwardsdestinedtooverwhelmandsubduehisnaturequite,forAliceW——n.

IeventhinkthatsentimentallyIamdisposedtoharmony.ButorganicallyIamincapableofatune.Ihavebeenpractising"GodsavetheKing"allmylife;whistlingandhummingofitovertomyselfinsolitarycorners;andamnotyetarrived,theytellme,withinmanyquaversofit.YethaththeloyaltyofElianeverbeenimpeached.

Iamnotwithoutsuspicion,thatIhaveanundevelopedfacultyofmusicwithinme.For,thrumming,inmywildwayonmyfriendA.spiano,theothermorning,whilehewasengagedinanadjoiningparlor,——onhisreturn,hewaspleasedtosay,"hethoughtitcouldnotbethemaid!"Onhisfirstsurpriseathearingthekeystouchedinsomewhatanairyandmasterfulway,notdreamingofme,hissuspicionshadlightedonJenny.Butagrace,snatchedasuperiorrefinement,soonconvincedhimthatsomebeing,——technicallyperhapsdeficient,buthigherinformedfromaprinciplemontoallthefinearts,——hadswayedthekeystoamoodwhichJenny,withallher(less-cultivated)enthusiasm,couldneverhaveelicitedfromthem.Imentionthisasaproofofmyfriendspenetration,andnotwithanyviewofdisparagingJenny.

ScientificallyIcouldneverbemadetounderstand(yethaveItakensomepains)whatanoteinmusicis;orhowonenoteshoulddifferfromanother.MuchlessinvoicescanIdistinguishasopranofromatenor.OnlysometimesthethoroughbassIcontrivetoguessat,fromitsbeingsupereminentlyharshanddisagreeable.Itremble,however,formymisapplicationofthesimplesttermsofthatwhichIdisclaim.WhileIprofessmyignorance,IscarceknowwhattosayIamignorantof.Ihate,perhaps,bymisnomers.Sostenutoandadagiostandinthelikerelationofobscuritytome;andSol,Fa,Mi,Re,isasconjuringasBaralipton.Itishardtostandalone——inanagelikethis,——(constitutedtothequickandcriticalperceptionofallharmoniousbinations,Iverilybelieve,beyondallprecedingages,sinceJubalstumbleduponthegamut)toremain,asitwere,singlyunimpressibletothemagicinfluencesofanart,whichissaidtohavesuchanespecialstrokeatsoothing,elevating,andrefiningthepassions.Yetratherthanbreakthecandidcurrentofmyconfessions,Imustavowtoyou,thatIhavereceivedagreatdealmorepainthanpleasurefromthissocried-upfaculty.Iamconstitutionallysusceptibleofnoises.Acarpentershammer,inawarmsummernoon,willfretmeintomorethanmidsummermadness.Butthoseunconnected,unsetsoundsarenothingtothemeasuredmaliceofmusic.Theearispassivetothosesinglestrokes;willinglyenduringstripes,whileithathnotasktocon.Tomusicitcannotbepassive.Itwillstrive——mineatleastwill——spiteofitsinaptitude,tothridthemaze;likeanunskilledeyepainfullyporinguponhieroglyphics.IhavesatthroughanItalianOpera,till,forsheerpain,andinexplicableanguish,Ihaverushedoutintothenoisiestplacesofthecrowdedstreets,tosolacemyselfwithsounds,whichIwasnotobligedtofollow,andgetridofthedistractingtormentofendless,fruitless,barrenattention!Itakerefugeintheunpretendingassemblageofhonestmon-lifesounds;——andthepurgatoryoftheEnragedMusicianbeesmyparadise.

IhavesatatanOratorio(thatprofanationofthepurposesofthecheerfulplayhouse)watchingthefacesoftheauditoryinthepit(whatacontrasttoHogarthslaughingAudience!)immoveable,oraffectingsomefaintemotion,——till(assomehavesaid,thatouroccupationsinthenextworldwillbebutashadowofwhatdelightedusinthis)IhaveimaginedmyselfinsomecoldTheatreinHades,wheresomeoftheformsoftheearthlyoneshouldbekeptup,withnoneoftheenjoyment;orlikethat——

Partyinaparlour,

Allsilent,andalldamned!

Aboveall,thoseinsufferableconcertos,andpiecesofmusic,astheyarecalled,doplagueandembittermyapprehension——Wordsaresomething;buttobeexposedtoanendlessbatteryofmeresounds;tobelongadying,toliestretcheduponarackofroses;tokeepuplanguorbyunintermittedeffort;topilehoneyuponsugar,andsugaruponhoney,toaninterminabletedioussweetness;tofillupsoundwithfeeling,andstrainideastokeeppacewithit;togazeonemptyframes,andbeforcedtomakethepicturesforyourself;toreadabook,allstops,andbeobligedtosupplytheverbalmatter;toinventextemporetragediestoanswertothevaguegesturesofaninexplicableramblingmime——thesearefaintshadowsofwhatIhaveundergonefromaseriesoftheablest-executedpiecesofthisemptyinstrumentalmusic.

Idenynot,thatintheopeningofaconcert,Ihaveexperiencedsomethingvastlylullingandagreeable:——afterwardsfolloweththelanguor,andtheoppression.LikethatdisappointingbookinPatmos;or,liketheingsonofmelancholy,describedbyBurton,dothmusicmakeherfirstinsinuatingapproaches——"Mostpleasantitistosuchasaremelancholygiven,towalkaloneinsomesolitarygrove,betwixtwoodandwater,bysomebrookside,andtomeditateuponsomedelightsomeandpleasantsubject,whichshallaffecthimmost,amabilisinsania,andmentisgratissimuserror.Amostinparabledelighttobuildcastlesintheair,togosmilingtothemselves,actinganinfinitevarietyofparts,whichtheysuppose,andstronglyimagine,theyact,orthattheyseedone——Sodelightsomethesetoysatfirst,theycouldspendwholedaysandnightswithoutsleep,evenwholeyearsinsuchcontemplations,andfantasticalmeditations,whicharelikesomanydreams,andwillhardlybedrawnfromthem——windingandunwindingthemselvesassomanyclocks,andstillpleasingtheirhumours,untilatlastthesceneturnsuponasudden,andtheybeingnowhabitatedtosuchmeditationsandsolitaryplaces,canendurenopany,canthinkofnothingbutharshanddistastefulsubjects.Fear,sorrow,suspicion,subrusticuspudor,discontent,cares,andwearinessoflife,surprisethemonasudden,andtheycanthinkofnothingelse:continuallysuspecting,nosooneraretheireyesopen,butthisinfernalplagueofmelancholyseizethonthem,andterrifiestheirsouls,representingsomedismalobjecttotheirminds;whichnow,bynomeans,nolabour,nopersuasionstheycanavoid,theycannotberidofit,thecannotresist."

Somethinglikethis"scene-turning"Ihaveexperiencedattheeveningparties,atthehouseofmygoodCatholicfriendNov——;who,bytheaidofacapitalorgan,himselfthemostfinishedofplayers,convertshisdrawing-roomintoachapel,hisweekdaysintoSundays,andtheselatterintominorheavens*.

[Footnote]*Ihavebeenthere,andstillwouldgo;

Tislikealittleheavenbelow——Dr.Watts

Whenmyfriendmencesupononeofthosesolemnanthems,whichperadventurestruckuponmyheedlessear,ramblinginthesideaislesofthedimabbey,somefiveandthirtyyearssince,wakinganewsense,andputtingasoulofoldreligionintomyyoungapprehension——(whetheritbethat,inwhichthepsalmist,wearyofthepersecutionsofbadmen,wishethtohimselfdoveswings——orthatother,which,withalikemeasureofsobrietyandpathos,inquirethbywhatmeanstheyoungmanshallbestcleansehismind)——aholycalmpervadethme——Iamforthetime——

raptaboveearth,

Andpossessjoysnotpromisedatmybirth.

Butwhenthismasterofthespell,notcontenttohavelaidasoulprostrate,goeson,inhispower,toinflictmoreblissthanliesinhercapacitytoreceive,impatienttoovereher"earthly"withhis"heavenly,"——stillpouringin,forprotractedhours,freshwavesandfreshfromtheseaofsound,orfromthatinexhaustedGermanocean,abovewhich,intriumphantprogress,dolphin-seated,ridethoseArionsHaydnandMozart,withtheirattendanttritons,Bach,Beethoven,andacountlesstribe,whomtoattempttoreckonupwouldbutplungemeagaininthedeeps,Istaggerundertheweightofharmony,reelingtoandfroatmywitsend;——clouds,asoffrankincense,oppressme——priests,altars,censers,dazzlebeforeme——thegeniusofhisreligionhathmeinhertoils——ashadowytripletiarainveststhebrowofmyfriend,latesonaked,soingenuous——heisPope,——andbyhimsits,likeasintheanomalyofdreams,ashe-Popetoo,——tri-coronetedlikehimself!——Iamconverted,andyetaProtestant——atoncemalleushereticorum,andmyselfgrandheresiarch:orthreeheresiescentreinmyperson——IamMarcion,Ebion,andCerinthus——GogandMagog——whatnot?——tilltheinginofthefriendlysupper-traydissipatesthefigment,and,adraughtoftrueLutheranbeer(inwhichchieflymyfriendshowshimselfnobigot)atoncereconcilesmetotherationalitiesofapurerfaintandrestorestomethegenuineunterrifyingaspectsofmypleasant-countenancedhostsandhostess.