A DISSERTATION UPON ROAST PIG

MANKIND,saysaChinesemanuscript,whichmyfriendM.wasobligingenoughtoreadandexplaintome,forthefirstseventythousandagesatetheirmeatraw,clawingorbitingitfromthelivinganimal,justastheydoinAbyssiniatothisday.ThisperiodisnotobscurelyhintedatbytheirgreatConfuciusinthesecondchapterofhisMundaneMutations,wherehedesignatesakindofgoldenagebythetermCho-fang,literallytheCooksholiday.Themanuscriptgoesontosay,thattheartofroasting,orratherbroiling(whichItaketobetheelderbrother)wasaccidentallydiscoveredinthemannerfollowing.Theswine-herd,Ho-ti,havinggoneoutintothewoodsonemorning,ashismannerwas,tocollectmastforhishogs,lefthiscottageinthecareofhiseldestsonBo-bo,agreatlubberlyboy,whobeingfondofplayingwithfire,asyounkersofhisagemonlyare,letsomesparksescapeintoabundleofstraw,whichkindlingquickly,spreadtheconflagrationovereverypartoftheirpoormansion,tillitwasreducedtoashes.Togetherwiththecottage(asorryantediluvianmake-shiftofabuilding,youmaythinkit),whatwasofmuchmoreimportance,afinelitterofnew-farrowedpigs,nolessthannineinnumber,perished.Chinapigshavebeenesteemedaluxuryallovertheeastfromtheremotestperiodsthatwereadof.Bo-bowasintheutmostconsternation,asyoumaythink,notsomuchforthesakeofthetenement,whichhisfatherandhecouldeasilybuildupagainwithafewdrybranches,andthelabourofanhourortwo,atanytime,asforthelossofthepigs.Whilehewasthinkingwhatheshouldsaytohisfather,andwringinghishandsoverthesmokingremnantsofoneofthoseuntimelysufferers,anodourassailedhisnostrils,unlikeanyscentwhichhehadbeforeexperienced.Whatcoulditproceedfrom?——notfromtheburntcottage——hehadsmeltthatsmellbefore——indeedthiswasbynomeansthefirstaccidentofthekindwhichhadoccurredthroughthenegligenceofthisunluckyyoungfire-brand.Muchlessdiditresemblethatofanyknownherb,weed,orflower.Apremonitorymoisteningatthesametimeoverflowedhisnetherlip.Heknewnotwhattothink.Henextstoopeddowntofeelthepig,iftherewereanysignsoflifeinit.Heburnthisfingers,andtocoolthemheappliedtheminhisboobyfashiontohismouth.Someofthecrumsofthescorchedskinhadeawaywithhisfingers,andforthefirsttimeinhislife(intheworldslifeindeed,forbeforehimnomanhadknownit)hetasted——crackling!Againhefeltandfumbledatthepig.Itdidnotburnhimsomuchnow,stillhelickedhisfingersfromasortofhabit.Thetruthatlengthbrokeintohisslowunderstanding,thatitwasthepigthatsmeltso,andthepigthattastedsodelicious;and,surrenderinghimselfuptothenew-bornpleasure,hefelltotearingupwholehandfulsofthescorchedskinwiththefleshnextit,andwascrammingitdownhisthroatinhisbeastlyfashion,whenhissireenteredamidthesmokingrafters,armedwithretributorycudgel,andfindinghowaffairsstood,begantorainblowsupontheyoungroguesshoulders,asthickashail-stones,whichBo-boheedednotanymorethaniftheyhadbeenflies.Theticklingpleasure,whichheexperiencedinhislowerregions,hadrenderedhimquitecalloustoanyinconvenienceshemightfeelinthoseremotequarters.Hisfathermightlayonbuthecouldnotbeathimfromhispig,tillhehadfairlymadeanendofit,when,beingalittlemoresensibleofhissituation,somethinglikethefollowingdialogueensued.

"Yougracelesswhelp,whathaveyougottheredevouring?Isitnotenoughthatyouhaveburntmedownthreehouseswithyourdogstricks,andbehangedtoyou,butyoumustbeeatingfire,andIknownotwhat——whathaveyougotthere,Isay?"

"Ofather,thepig,thepig,doeandtastehownicetheburntpigeats."

TheearsofHo-titingledwithhorror.Hecursedhisson,andhecursedhimselfthateverheshouldbegetasonthatshouldeatburntpig.

Bo-bo,whosescentwaswonderfullysharpenedsincemorning,soonrakedoutanotherpig,andfairlyrendingitasunder,thrustthelesserhalfbymainforceintothefistsofHo-ti,stillshoutingout"Eat,eat,eattheburntpig,father,onlytaste——OLord,"——withsuch-likebarbarousejaculations,crammingallthewhileasifhewouldchoke.

Ho-titrembledeveryjointwhilehegraspedtheabominablething,waveringwhetherheshouldnotputhissontodeathforanunnaturalyoungmonster,whenthecracklingscorchinghisfingers,asithaddonehissons,andapplyingthesameremedytothem,heinhisturntastedsomeofitsflavour,which,makewhatsourmouthshewouldforapretence,provednotaltogetherdispleasingtohim.Inconclusion(forthemanuscripthereisalittletedious)bothfatherandsonfairlysatdowntothemess,andneverleftofftilltheyhaddespatchedallthatremainedofthelitter.

Bo-bowasstrictlyenjoinednottoletthesecretescape,fortheneighbourswouldcertainlyhavestonedthemforacoupleofabominablewretches,whocouldthinkofimprovinguponthegoodmeatwhichGodhadsentthem.Nevertheless,strangestoriesgotabout.ItwasobservedthatHo-tiscottagewasburntdownnowmorefrequentlythanever.Nothingbutfiresfromthistimeforward.Somewouldbreakoutinbroadday,othersinthenight-time.Asoftenasthesowfarrowed,sosurewasthehouseofHo-titobeinablaze;andHo-tihimself,whichwasthemoreremarkable,insteadofchastisinghisson,seemedtogrowmoreindulgenttohimthanever.Atlengththeywerewatched,theterriblemysterydiscovered,andfatherandsonsummonedtotaketheirtrialatPekin,thenaninconsiderableassizetown.Evidencewasgiven,theobnoxiousfooditselfproducedincourt,andverdictabouttobepronounced,whentheforemanofthejurybeggedthatsomeoftheburntpig,ofwhichtheculpritsstoodaccused,mightbehandedintothebox.Hehandledit,andtheyallhandledit,andburningtheirfingers,asBo-boandhisfatherhaddonebeforethem,andnaturepromptingtoeachofthemthesameremedy,againstthefaceofallthefacts,andtheclearestchargewhichjudgehadevergiven,——tothesurpriseofthewholecourt,towns-folk,strangers,reporters,andallpresent——withoutleavingthebox,oranymannerofconsultationwhatever,theybroughtinasimultaneousverdictofNotGuilty.

Thejudge,whowasashrewdfellow,winkedatthemanifestiniquityofthedecision:and,whenthecourtwasdismissed,wentprivily,andboughtupallthepigsthatcouldbehadforloveormoney.InafewdayshisLordshipstownhousewasobservedtobeonfire.Thethingtookwing,andnowtherewasnothingtobeseenbutfiresineverydirection.Fuelandpigsgrewenormouslydearalloverthedistrict.Theinsuranceofficesoneandallshutupshop.Peoplebuiltslighterandslightereveryday,untilitwasfearedthattheveryscienceofarchitecturewouldinnolongtimebelosttotheworld.Thusthiscustomoffiringhousescontinued,tillinprocessoftime,saysmymanuscript,asagearose,likeourLocke,whomadeadiscovery,thatthefleshofswine,orindeedofanyotheranimal,mightbecooked(burnt,astheycalledit)withoutthenecessityofconsumingawholehousetodressit.Thenfirstbegantherudeformofagridiron.Roastingbythestring,orspit,cameinacenturyortwolater,Iforgetinwhosedynasty.Bysuchslowdegrees,concludesthemanuscript,dothemostuseful,andseeminglythemostobviousarts,maketheirwayamongman-kind.

Withoutplacingtooimplicitfaithintheaccountabovegiven,itmustbeagreed,thatifaworthypretextforsodangerousanexperimentassettinghousesonfire(especiallyinthesedays)couldbeassignedinfavourofanyculinaryobject,thatpretextandexcusemightbefoundinROASTPIG.

Ofallthedelicaciesinthewholemundusedibilis,Iwillmaintainittobethemostdelicate——princepsobsoniorum.

Ispeaknotofyourgrownporkers——thingsbetweenpigandpork——thosehobbydehoys——butayoungandtendersuckling——underamoonold——guiltlessasyetofthesty——withnooriginalspeckoftheamorimmunditiae,thehereditaryfailingofthefirstparent,yetmanifest——hisvoiceasyetnotbroken,butsomethingbetweenachildishtreble,andagrumble——themildforerunner,orpraeludium,ofagrunt.

Hemustberoasted.Iamnotignorantthatourancestorsatethemseethed,orboiled——butwhatasacrificeoftheexteriortegument!

Thereisnoflavourparable,Iwillcontend,tothatofthecrisp,tawny,well-watched,notover-roasted,crackling,asitiswellcalled——theveryteethareinvitedtotheirshareofthepleasureatthisbanquetinoveringthecoy,brittleresistance——withtheadhesiveoleaginous——Ocallitnotfat——butanindefinablesweetnessgrowinguptoit——thetenderblossomingoffat——fatcroppedinthebud——takenintheshoot——inthefirstinnocence——thecreamandquintessenceofthechild-pigsyetpurefood——thelean,nolean,butakindofanimalmanna——or,rather,fatandlean(ifitmustbeso)soblendedandrunningintoeachother,thatbothtogethermakebutoneambrosianresult,ormonsubstance.

Beholdhim,whileheisdoing——itseemethratherarefreshingwarmth,thanascorchingheat,thatheissopassiveto.Howequablyhetwirlethroundthestring!——Nowheisjustdone.Toseetheextremesensibilityofthattenderage,hehathweptouthisprettyeyes——radiantjellies——shootingstars-

Seehiminthedish,hissecondcradle,howmeekheliethwouldstthouhavehadthisinnocentgrowuptothegrossnessandindocilitywhichtoooftenacpanymaturerswinehood?Tentoonehewouldhaveprovedaglutton,asloven,anobstinate,disagreeableanimal——wallowinginallmanneroffilthyconversation——fromthesesinsheishappilysnatchedaway-

Eresincouldblight,orsorrowfade,

Deathcamewithtimelycare-

hismemoryisodoriferous——noclowncurseth,whilehisstomachhalfrejecteth,therankbacon——nocoalheaverboltethhiminreekingsausages——hehathafairsepulchreinthegratefulstomachofthejudiciousepicure——andforsuchatombmightbecontenttodie.

HeisthebestofSapors.Pine-appleisgreat.Sheisindeedalmosttootranscendent——adelight,ifnotsinful,yetsoliketosinning,thatreallyatender-consciencedpersonwoulddowelltopause——tooravishingformortaltaste,shewoundethandexcoriateththelipsthatapproachher——likeloverskisses,shebitethsheisapleasureborderingonpainfromthefiercenessandinsanityofherrelish——butshestoppethatthepalate——shemeddlethnotwiththeappetite——andthecoarsesthungermightbarterherconsistentlyforamuttonchop.

Pig——letmespeakhispraise——Isnolessprovocativeoftheappetite,thanheissatisfactorytothecriticalnessofthepalate.Thestrongmanmaybattenonhim,andtheweaklingrefusethnothismildjuices.

Unliketomankindsmixedcharacters,abundleofvirtuesandvices,inexplicablyintertwisted,andnottobeunravelledwithouthazard,heisgoodthroughout.Nopartofhimisbetterorworsethananother.Hehelpeth,asfarashislittlemeansextend,allaround.Heistheleastenviousofbanquets.Heisallneighboursfare.

Iamoneofthose,whofreelyandungrudginglyimpartashareofthegoodthingsofthislifewhichfalltotheirlot(fewasmineareinthiskind)toafriend.IprotestItakeasgreataninterestinmyfriendspleasures,hisrelishes,andpropersatisfactions,asinmineown."Presents,"Ioftensay,"endearAbsents."Hares,pheasants,partridges,snipes,barn-doorchicken(those"tamevillaticfowl"),capons,plovers,brawn,barrelsofoysters,IdispenseasfreelyasIreceivethem.Ilovetotastethem,asitwere,uponthetongueofmyfriend.Butastopmustbeputsomewhere.Onewouldnot,likeLear,"giveeverything."Imakemystanduponpig.MethinksitisaningratitudetotheGiverofallgoodflavours,toextra-domiciliate,orsendoutofthehouse,slightingly,(underpretextoffriendship,orIknownotwhat)ablessingsoparticularlyadapted,predestined,Imaysay,tomyindividualpalate——Itarguesaninsensibility.

Irememberatouchofconscienceinthiskindatschool.Mygoodoldaunt,whoneverpartedfrommeattheendofaholidaywithoutstuffingasweet-meat,orsomenicething,intomypocket,haddismissedmeoneeveningwithasmokingplum-cake,freshfromtheoven.Inmywaytoschool(itwasoverLondonbridge)agrey-headedoldbeggarsalutedme(Ihavenodoubtatthistimeofdaythathewasacounterfeit).Ihadnopencetoconsolehimwith,andinthevanityofself-denial,andtheverycoxbryofcharity,school-boy-like,Imadehimapresentof——thewholecake!Iwalkedonalittle,buoyedup,asoneisonsuchoccasions,withasweetsoothingofself-satisfaction;butbeforeIhadgottotheendofthebridge,mybetterfeelingsreturned,andIburstintotears,thinkinghowungratefulIhadbeentomygoodaunt,togoandgivehergoodgiftawaytoastranger,thatIhadneverseenbefore,andwhomightbeabadmanforaughtIknew;andthenIthoughtofthepleasuremyauntwouldbetakinginthinkingthatI——Imyself,andnotanother——wouldeathernicecake——andwhatshouldIsaytoherthenexttimeIsawher——hownaughtyIwastopartwithherprettypresent——andtheodourofthatspicycakecamebackuponmyrecollection,andthepleasureandthecuriosityIhadtakeninseeinghermakeit,andherjoywhenshesentittotheoven,andhowdisappointedshewouldfeelthatIhadneverhadabitofitinmymouthatlast——andIblamedmyimpertinentspiritofaims-giving,andout-of-placehypocrisyofgoodness,andaboveallIwishednevertoseethefaceagainofthatinsidious,good-for-nothing,oldgreyimpostor.

Ourancestorswereniceintheirmethodofsacrificingthesetendervictims.Wereadofpigswhipttodeathwithsomethingofashock,aswehearofanyotherobsoletecustom.Theageofdisciplineisgoneby,oritwouldbecurioustoinquire(inaphilosophicallightmerely)whateffectthisprocessmighthavetowardsinteneratinganddulcifyingasubstance,naturallysomildanddulcetasthefleshofyoungpigs.Itlookslikerefiningaviolet.Yetweshouldbecautiouswhilewecondemntheinhumanity,howwecensurethewisdomofthepractice.Itmightimpartagusto-

Irememberanhypothesis,argueduponbytheyoungstudents,whenIwasatSt.Omers,andmaintainedwithmuchlearningandpleasantryonbothsides,"Whether,supposingthattheflavourofapigwhoobtainedhisdeathbywhipping(perflagellationemextremam)superaddedapleasureuponthepalateofamanmoreintensethananypossiblesufferingwecanconceiveintheanimal,ismanjustifiedinusingthatmethodofputtingtheanimaltodeath?"Iforgetthedecision.

Hissauceshouldbeconsidered.Decidedly,afewbreadcrums,doneupwithhisliverandbrains,andadashofmildsage.But,banish,dearMrs.Cook,Ibeseechyou,thewholeoniontribe.Barbecueyourwholehogstoyourpalate,steeptheminshalots,stuffthemoutwithplantationsoftherankandguiltygarlic;youcannotpoisonthem,ormakethemstrongerthantheyare——butconsider,heisaweakling——aflower.