CHAPTER XII

    THEENDOFTHEYEAR
    December30th,P.M.
    Iwasinbed,andhardlyrecoveredfromthedeliriousfeverwhichhadkeptmeforsolongbetweenlifeanddeath.Myweakenedbrainwasmakingeffortstorecoveritsactivity;mythoughts,likeraysoflightstrugglingthroughtheclouds,werestillconfusedandimperfect;attimesIfeltareturnofthedizzinesswhichmadeachaosofallmyideas,andIfloated,sotospeak,betweenalternatefitsofmentalwanderingandconsciousness.
    Sometimeseverythingseemedplaintome,liketheprospectwhich,fromthetopofsomehighmountain,opensbeforeusinclearweather.Wedistinguishwater,woods,villages,cattle,eventhecottageperchedontheedgeoftheravine;thensuddenlytherecomesagustofwindladenwithmist,andallisconfusedandindistinct.
    Thus,yieldingtotheoscillationsofahalf-recoveredreason,Iallowedmymindtofollowitsvariousimpulseswithouttroublingmyselftoseparatetherealfromtheimaginary;Iglidedsoftlyfromonetotheother,andmydreamsandwakingthoughtssucceededcloselyupononeanother.
    Now,whilemymindiswanderinginthisunsettledstate,see,underneaththeclockwhichmeasuresthehourswithitsloudticking,afemalefigureappearsbeforeme!
    AtfirstsightIsawenoughtosatisfymethatshewasnotadaughterofEve.Inhereyewasthelastflashofanexpiringstar,andherfacehadthepallorofanheroicdeath-struggle.Shewasdressedinadraperyofathousandchangingcolorsofthebrightestandthemostsombrehues,andheldawitheredgarlandinherhand.
    Afterhavingcontemplatedherforsomemoments,Iaskedhername,andwhatbroughtherintomyattic.Hereyes,whichwerefollowingthemovementsoftheclock,turnedtowardme,andshereplied:
    "Youseeinmetheyearwhichisjustdrawingtoitsend;Icometoreceiveyourthanksandyourfarewell."
    Iraisedmyselfonmyelbowinsurprise,whichsoongaveplacetobitterresentment.
    "Ah!youwantthanks,"criedI;"butfirstletmeknowwhatfor?
    "WhenIwelcomedyourcoming,Iwasstillyoungandvigorous:youhavetakenfrommeeachdaysomelittleofmystrength,andyouhaveendedbyinflictinganillnessuponme;already,thankstoyou,mybloodislesswarm,mymuscleslessfirm,andmyfeetlessagilethanbefore!Youhaveplantedthegermsofinfirmityinmybosom;there,wherethesummerflowersoflifeweregrowing,youhavewickedlysownthenettlesofoldage!
    "And,asifitwerenotenoughtoweakenmybody,youhavealsodiminishedthepowersofmysoul;youhaveextinguishedherenthusiasm;sheisbecomemoresluggishandmoretimid.Formerlyhereyestookinthewholeofmankindintheirgeneroussurvey;butyouhavemadehernearsighted,andnowshehardlyseesbeyondherself!"Thatiswhatyouhavedoneformyspiritualbeing:thenastomyoutwardexistence,seetowhatgrief,neglect,andmiseryyouhavereducedit!"Forthemanydaysthatthefeverhaskeptmechainedtothisbed,whohastakencareofthishomeinwhichIplacedallmyjoy?ShallInotfindmyclosetsempty,mybookcase,stripped,allmypoortreasureslostthroughnegligenceordishonesty?WherearetheplantsIcultivated,thebirdsIfed?Allaregone!myatticisdespoiled,silentandsolitary!"AsitisonlyforthelastfewmomentsthatIhavereturnedtoaconsciousnessofwhatsurroundsme,Iamevenignorantwhohasnursedmeduringmylongillness!Doubtlesssomehireling,whowillleavewhenallmymeansofrecompenseareexhausted!"Andwhatwillmymasters,forwhomIamboundtowork,havesaidtomyabsence?Atthistimeoftheyear,whenbusinessismostpressing,cantheyhavedonewithoutme,willtheyevenhavetriedtodoso?PerhapsIamalreadysupersededinthehumblesituationbywhichIearnedmydailybread!Anditisthou-thoualone,wickeddaughterofTime——whohastbroughtallthesemisfortunesuponme:
    strength,health,comfort,work——thouhasttakenallfromme.Ihaveonlyreceivedoutrageandlossfromthee,andyetthoudaresttoclaimmygratitude!
    "Ah!diethen,sincethydayiscome;butdiedespisedandcursed;andmayIwriteonthytombtheepitaphtheArabianpoetinscribeduponthatofaking:
    "Rejoice,thoupasser-by:hewhomwehaveburiedherecannotliveagain."
    Iwaswakenedbyahandtakingmine;andopeningmyeyes,Irecognizedthedoctor.
    Afterhavingfeltmypulse,henoddedhishead,satdownatthefootofthebed,andlookedatme,rubbinghisnosewithhissnuffbox.Ihavesincelearnedthatthiswasasignofsatisfactionwiththedoctor.
    "Well!sowewantedoldsnub-nosetocarryusoff?"saidM.Lambert,inhishalf-joking,half-scoldingway."Whatthedeuceofahurrywewerein!Itwasnecessarytoholdyoubackwithbotharmsatleast!"
    "Thenyouhadgivenmeup,doctor?"askedI,ratheralarmed.
    "Notatall,"repliedtheoldphysician."Wecantgiveupwhatwehavenotgot;andImakeitarulenevertohaveanyhope.WearebutinstrumentsinthehandsofProvidence,andeachofusshouldsay,withAmbroisePare:Itendhim,Godcureshim!"
    "MayHebeblessedthen,aswellasyou,"criedI;"andmaymyhealthcomebackwiththenewyear!"
    M.Lambertshruggedhisshoulders.
    "Beginbyaskingyourselfforit,"resumedhe,bluntly."Godhasgivenityou,anditisyourownsense,andnotchance,thatmustkeepitforyou.Onewouldthink,tohearpeopletalk,thatsicknesscomesuponusliketherainorthesunshine,withoutonehavingawordtosayinthematter.Beforewecomplainofbeingillweshouldprovethatwedeservetobewell."
    Iwasabouttosmile,butthedoctorlookedangry.
    "Ah!youthinkthatIamjoking,"resumedhe,raisinghisvoice;"buttellme,then,whichofusgiveshishealththesameattentionthathegivestohisbusiness?Doyoueconomizeyourstrengthasyoueconomizeyourmoney?Doyouavoidexcessandimprudenceintheonecasewiththesamecareasextravaganceorfoolishspeculationsintheother?Doyoukeepasregularaccountsofyourmodeoflivingasyoudoofyourincome?
    Doyouconsidereveryeveningwhathasbeenwholesomeorunwholesomeforyou,withthesamecarethatyoubringtotheexaminationofyourexpenditure?Youmaysmile;buthaveyounotbroughtthisillnessonyourselfbyathousandindiscretions?"
    Ibegantoprotestagainstthis,andaskedhimtopointouttheseindiscretions.Theolddoctorspreadouthisfingers,andbegantoreckonuponthemonebyone.
    "Primo,"criedhe,"wantofexercise.Youliveherelikeamouseinacheese,withoutair,motion,orchange.Consequently,thebloodcirculatesbadly,thefluidsthicken,themuscles,beinginactive,donotclaimtheirshareofnutrition,thestomachflags,andthebraingrowsweary.
    "Secundo.Irregularfood.Capriceisyourcook;yourstomachaslavewhomustacceptwhatyougiveit,butwhopresentlytakesasullenrevenge,likeallslaves.
    "Tertio.Sittinguplate.Insteadofusingthenightforsleep,youspenditinreading;yourbedsteadisabookcase,yourpillowsadesk!
    Atthetimewhentheweariedbrainasksforrest,youleaditthroughthesenocturnalorgies,andyouaresurprisedtofindittheworseforthemthenextday.
    "Quarto.Luxurioushabits.Shutupinyourattic,youinsensiblysurroundyourselfwithathousandeffeminateindulgences.Youmusthavelistforyourdoor,ablindforyourwindow,acarpetforyourfeet,aneasy-chairstuffedwithwoolforyourback,yourfirelitatthefirstsignofcold,andashadetoyourlamp;andthankstoalltheseprecautions,theleastdraughtmakesyoucatchcold,commonchairsgiveyounorest,andyoumustwearspectaclestosupportthelightofday.
    Youhavethoughtyouwereacquiringcomforts,andyouhaveonlycontractedinfirmities.
    "Quinto"
    "Ah!enough,enough,doctor!"criedI."Pray,donotcarryyourexaminationfarther;donotattachasenseofremorsetoeachofmypleasures."
    Theolddoctorrubbedhisnosewithhissnuffbox.
    "Yousee,"saidhe,moregently,andrisingatthesametime,"youwouldescapefromthetruth.Youshrinkfrominquiry——aproofthatyouareguilty.Habemusconfitentemreum!Butatleast,myfriend,donotgoonlayingtheblameonTime,likeanoldwoman."
    Thereuponheagainfeltmypulse,andtookhisleave,declaringthathisfunctionwasatanend,andthattherestdependeduponmyself.
    Whenthedoctorwasgone,Isetaboutreflectinguponwhathehadsaid.
    Althoughhiswordsweretoosweeping,theywerenotthelesstrueinthemain.Howoftenweaccusechanceofanillness,theoriginofwhichweshouldseekinourselves!Perhapsitwouldhavebeenwisertolethimfinishtheexaminationhehadbegun.
    Butistherenotanotherofmoreimportance——thatwhichconcernsthehealthofthesoul?AmIsosureofhavingneglectednomeansofpreservingthatduringtheyearwhichisnowending?HaveI,asoneofGodssoldiersuponearth,keptmycourageandmyarmsefficient?ShallIbereadyforthegreatreviewofsoulswhichmustpassbeforeHimWHOISinthedarkvalleyofJehoshaphat?
    Darestthouexaminethyself,Omysoul!andseehowoftenthouhasterred?
    First,thouhasterredthroughpride!forIhavenotdulyvaluedthelowly.Ihavedrunktoodeeplyoftheintoxicatingwinesofgenius,andhavefoundnorelishinpurewater.Ihavedisdainedthosewordswhichhadnootherbeautythantheirsincerity;Ihaveceasedtolovemensolelybecausetheyaremen——Ihavelovedthemfortheirendowments;Ihavecontractedtheworldwithinthenarrowcompassofapantheon,andmysympathyhasbeenawakenedbyadmirationonly.Thevulgarcrowd,whichIoughttohavefollowedwithafriendlyeyebecauseitiscomposedofmybrothersinhopeorgrief,Ihaveletpassbywithasmuchindifferenceasifitwereaflockofsheep.Iamindignantwithhimwhorollsinrichesanddespisesthemanpoorinworldlywealth;andyet,vainofmytriflingknowledge,Idespisehimwhoispoorinmind——Iscornthepovertyofintellectasothersdothatofdress;ItakecreditforagiftwhichIdidnotbestowonmyself,andturnthefavoroffortuneintoaweaponwithwhichtoattackothers.
    Ah!if,intheworstdaysofrevolutions,ignorancehasrevoltedandraisedacryofhatredagainstgenius,thefaultisnotaloneintheenviousmaliceofignorance,butcomesinpart,too,fromthecontemptuousprideofknowledge.
    Alas!IhavetoocompletelyforgottenthefableofthetwosonsofthemagicianofBagdad.
    Oneofthem,struckbyanirrevocabledecreeofdestiny,wasbornblind,whiletheotherenjoyedallthedelightsofsight.Thelatter,proudofhisownadvantages,laughedathisbrothersblindness,anddisdainedhimasacompanion.Onemorningtheblindboywishedtogooutwithhim.
    "Towhatpurpose,"saidhe,"sincethegodshaveputnothingincommonbetweenus?Formecreationisastage,whereathousandcharmingscenesandwonderfulactorsappearinsuccession;foryouitisonlyanobscureabyss,atthebottomofwhichyouheartheconfusedmurmurofaninvisibleworld.Continuethenaloneinyourdarkness,andleavethepleasuresoflighttothoseuponwhomtheday-starshines."
    Withthesewordshewentaway,andhisbrother,leftalone,begantocrybitterly.Hisfather,whoheardhim,immediatelyrantohim,andtriedtoconsolehimbypromisingtogivehimwhateverhedesired.
    "Canyougivemesight?"askedthechild.
    "Fatedoesnotpermitit,"saidthemagician.
    "Then,"criedtheblindboy,eagerly,"Iaskyoutoputoutthesun!"
    Whoknowswhethermypridehasnotprovokedthesamewishonthepartofsomeoneofmybrotherswhodoesnotsee?
    ButhowmuchoftenerhaveIerredthroughlevityandwantofthought!
    HowmanyresolutionshaveItakenatrandom!howmanyjudgmentshaveIpronouncedforthesakeofawitticism!howmanymischiefshaveInotdonewithoutanysenseofmyresponsibility!Thegreaterpartofmenharmoneanotherforthesakeofdoingsomething.Welaughatthehonorofone,andcompromisethereputationofanother,likeanidlemanwhosauntersalongahedgerow,breakingtheyoungbranchesanddestroyingthemostbeautifulflowers.
    And,nevertheless,itisbythisverythoughtlessnessthatthefameofsomemeniscreated.Itrisesgradually,likeoneofthosemysteriousmoundsinbarbarouscountries,towhichastoneisaddedbyeverypasserby;eachonebringssomethingatrandom,andaddsitashepasses,withoutbeingablehimselftoseewhetherheisraisingapedestaloragibbet.Whowilldarelookbehindhim,toseehisrashjudgmentshelduptheretoview?
    SometimeagoIwaswalkingalongtheedgeofthegreenmoundonwhichtheMontmartretelegraphstands.Belowme,alongoneofthezigzagpathswhichwindupthehill,amanandagirlwerecomingup,andarrestedmyattention.Themanworeashaggycoat,whichgavehimsomeresemblancetoawildbeast;andheheldathickstickinhishand,withwhichhedescribedvariousstrangefiguresintheair.Hespokeveryloud,andinavoicewhichseemedtomeconvulsedwithpassion.Heraisedhiseyeseverynowandthenwithanexpressionofsavageharshness,anditappearedtomethathewasreproachingandthreateningthegirl,andthatshewaslisteningtohimwithasubmissivenesswhichtouchedmyheart.
    Twoorthreetimessheventuredafewwords,doubtlessintheattempttojustifyherself;butthemaninthegreatcoatbeganagainimmediatelywithhisloudandangryvoice,hissavagelooks,andhisthreateningevolutionsintheair.Ifollowedhimwithmyeyes,vainlyendeavoringtocatchawordashepassed,untilhedisappearedbehindthehill.
    Ihadevidentlyjustseenoneofthosedomestictyrantswhosesullentempersareexcitedbythepatienceoftheirvictims,andwho,thoughtheyhavethepowertobecomethebeneficentgodsofafamily,chooserathertobetheirtormentors.
    Icursedtheunknownsavageinmyheart,andIfeltindignantthatthesecrimesagainstthesacredpeaceofhomecouldnotbepunishedastheydeserve,whenIheardhisvoiceapproachingnearer.Hehadturnedthepath,andsoonappearedbeforemeatthetopoftheslope.
    Thefirstglance,andhisfirstwords,explainedeverythingtome:inplaceofwhatIhadtakenforthefurioustonesandterriblelooksofanangryman,andtheattitudeofafrightenedvictim,Ihadbeforemeonlyanhonestcitizen,whosquintedandstuttered,butwhowasexplainingthemanagementofsilkwormstohisattentivedaughter.
    Iturnedhomeward,smilingatmymistake;butbeforeIreachedmyfaubourgIsawacrowdrunning,Iheardcallsforhelp,andeveryfingerpointedinthesamedirectiontoadistantcolumnofflame.
    Amanufactoryhadtakenfire,andeverybodywasrushingforwardtoassistinextinguishingit.
    Ihesitated.Nightwascomingon;Ifelttired;afavoritebookwasawaitingme;Ithoughttherewouldbenowantofhelp,andIwentonmyway.
    JustbeforeIhaderredfromwantofconsideration;nowitwasfromselfishnessandcowardice.
    Butwhat!haveInotonathousandotheroccasionsforgottenthedutieswhichbindustoourfellowmen?IsthisthefirsttimeIhaveavoidedpayingsocietywhatIoweit?HaveInotalwaysbehavedtomycompanionswithinjustice,andlikethelion?HaveInotclaimedsuccessivelyeveryshare?Ifanyoneissoill-advisedastoaskmetoreturnsomelittleportion,Igetprovoked,Iamangry,Itrytoescapefromitbyeverymeans.Howmanytimes,whenIhaveperceivedabeggarsittinghuddledupattheendofthestreet,haveInotgoneoutofmyway,forfearthatcompassionwouldimpoverishmebyforcingmetobecharitable!HowoftenhaveIdoubtedthemisfortunesofothers,thatImightwithjusticehardenmyheartagainstthem.
    WithwhatsatisfactionhaveIsometimesverifiedthevicesofthepoorman,inordertoshowthathismiseryisthepunishmenthedeserves!
    Oh!letusnotgofarther——letusnotgofarther!Iinterruptedthedoctorsexamination,buthowmuchsadderisthisone!Wepitythediseasesofthebody;weshudderatthoseofthesoul.
    Iwashappilydisturbedinmyreveriebymyneighbor,theoldsoldier.
    NowIthinkofit,Iseemalwaystohaveseen,duringmyfever,thefigureofthisgoodoldman,sometimesleaningagainstmybed,andsometimessittingathistable,surroundedbyhissheetsofpasteboard.
    Hehasjustcomeinwithhisglue-pot,hisquireofgreenpaper,andhisgreatscissors.Icalledhimbyhisname;heutteredajoyfulexclamation,andcamenearme.
    "Well!sothebulletisfoundagain!"criedhe,takingmytwohandsintothemaimedonewhichwaslefthim;"ithasnotbeenwithouttrouble,Icantellyou;thecampaignhasbeenlongenoughtowintwoclaspsin.
    Ihaveseennofewfellowswiththefeverbatterwindmillsduringmyhospitaldays:atLeipsic,Ihadaneighborwhofanciedachimneywasonfireinhisstomach,andwhowasalwayscallingforthefire-engines;butthethirddayitallwentoutofitself.Butwithyouithaslastedtwenty-eightdays——aslongasoneoftheLittleCorporalscampaigns."
    "Iamnotmistakenthen;youwerenearme?"
    "Well!Ihadonlytocrossthepassage.Thislefthandhasnotmadeyouabadnurseforwantoftheright;but,bah!youdidnotknowwhathandgaveyoudrink,anditdidnotpreventthatbeggarofafeverfrombeingdrowned——foralltheworldlikePoniatowskiintheElster."
    Theoldsoldierbegantolaugh,andI,feelingtoomuchaffectedtospeak,pressedhishandagainstmybreast.Hesawmyemotion,andhastenedtoputanendtoit.
    "By-the-bye,youknowthatfromto-dayyouhavearighttodrawyourrationsagain,"resumedhegayly;"fourmeals,liketheGermanmeinherrs——nothingmore!Thedoctorisyourhousesteward."
    "Wemustfindthecook,too,"repliedI,withasmile.
    "Sheisfound,"saidtheveteran.
    "Whoisshe?"
    "Genevieve."
    "Thefruit-woman?"
    "WhileIamtalkingsheiscookingforyou,neighbor;anddonotfearhersparingeitherbutterortrouble.Aslongaslifeanddeathwerefightingforyou,thehonestwomanpassedhertimeingoingupanddownstairstolearnwhichwaythebattlewent.And,stay,Iamsurethisisshe."
    Infactweheardstepsinthepassage,andhewenttoopenthedoor.
    "Oh,well!"continuedhe,"itisMotherMillot,ourportress,anotherofyourgoodfriends,neighbor,andwhosepoulticesIrecommendtoyou.
    Comein,MotherMillot——comein;wearequitebonnyboysthismorning,andreadytostepaminuetifwehadourdancing-shoes."
    Theportresscamein,quitedelighted.Shebroughtmylinen,washedandmendedbyherself,withalittlebottleofSpanishwine,thegiftofhersailorson,andkeptforgreatoccasions.Iwouldhavethankedher,butthegoodwomanimposedsilenceuponme,underthepretextthatthedoctorhadforbiddenmetospeak.Isawherarrangeeverythinginmydrawers,theneatappearanceofwhichstruckme;anattentivehandhadevidentlybeenthere,anddaybydayputstraighttheunavoidabledisorderconsequentonsickness.
    Asshefinished,Genevievearrivedwithmydinner;shewasfollowedbyMotherDenis,themilk-womanovertheway,whohadlearned,atthesametime,thedangerIhadbeenin,andthatIwasnowbeginningtobeconvalescent.ThegoodSavoyardbroughtmeanew-laidegg,whichsheherselfwishedtoseemeeat.
    Itwasnecessarytorelateminutelyallmyillnesstoher.Ateverydetailsheutteredloudexclamations;then,whentheportresswarnedhertobelessnoisy,sheexcusedherselfinawhisper.Theymadeacirclearoundmetoseemeeatmydinner;eachmouthfulItookwasaccompaniedbytheirexpressionsofsatisfactionandthankfulness.NeverhadtheKingofFrance,whenhedinedinpublic,excitedsuchadmirationamongthespectators.
    Astheyweretakingthedinneraway,mycolleague,theoldcashier,enteredinhisturn.
    IcouldnotpreventmyheartbeatingasIrecognizedhim.Howwouldtheheadsofthefirmlookuponmyabsence,andwhatdidhecometotellme?
    Iwaitedwithinexpressibleanxietyforhimtospeak;buthesatdownbyme,tookmyhand,andbeganrejoicingovermyrecovery,withoutsayingawordaboutourmasters.Icouldnotendurethisuncertaintyanylonger.
    "AndtheMessieursDurmer,"askedI,hesitatingly,"howhavetheytaken——theinterruptiontomywork?"
    "Therehasbeennointerruption,"repliedtheoldclerk,quietly.
    "Whatdoyoumean?"
    "Eachoneintheofficetookashareofyourduty;allhasgoneonasusual,andtheMessieursDurmerhaveperceivednodifference."
    Thiswastoomuch.Aftersomanyinstancesofaffection,thisfilledupthemeasure.Icouldnotrestrainmytears.
    ThusthefewservicesIhadbeenabletodoforothershadbeenacknowledgedbythemahundredfold!Ihadsownalittleseed,andeverygrainhadfallenongoodground,andbroughtforthawholesheaf.Ah!
    thiscompletesthelessonthedoctorgaveme.Ifitistruethatthediseases,whetherofthemindorbody,arethefruitofourfolliesandourvices,sympathyandaffectionarealsotherewardsofourhavingdoneourduty.Everyoneofus,withGodshelp,andwithinthenarrowlimitsofhumancapability,himselfmakeshisowndisposition,character,andpermanentcondition.
    Everybodyisgone;theoldsoldierhasbroughtmebackmyflowersandmybirds,andtheyaremyonlycompanions.Thesettingsunreddensmyhalf-closedcurtainswithitslastrays.Mybrainisclear,andmyheartlighter.Athinmistfloatsbeforemyeyes,andIfeelmyselfinthathappystatewhichprecedesarefreshingsleep.
    Yonder,oppositethebed,thepalegoddessinherdraperyofathousandchangingcolors,andwithherwitheredgarland,againappearsbeforeme;butthistimeIholdoutmyhandtoherwithagratefulsmile.
    "Adieu,belovedyear!whomIbutnowunjustlyaccused.ThatwhichIhavesufferedmustnotbelaidtothee;forthouwastbutatractthroughwhichGodhadmarkedoutmyroad——agroundwhereIhadreapedtheharvestIhadsown.Iwilllovethee,thouwaysideshelter,forthosehoursofhappinessthouhastseenmeenjoy;Iwilllovetheeevenforthesufferingthouhastseenmeendure.Neitherhappinessnorsufferingcamefromthee;butthouhastbeenthesceneforthem.Descendagainthen,inpeace,intoeternity,andbeblest,thouwhohastleftmeexperienceintheplaceofyouth,sweetmemoriesinsteadofpasttime,andgratitudeaspaymentforgoodoffices."